it might just all be a facade

Thursday, January 31, 2008;

♥ 1/31/2008 07:05:00 AM

It's the hardest thing i'll ever have to do
To look you in the eyes, and tell you i dont love you
It's the hardest thing i'll ever have to lie
To show no emotions, when you start to cry>>

I HATE PAPERCUTS.
There's bio and maths test tmr.
Yeah, i revised for them, and will revise somemore after this post if my bed would quit calling me.
But i don't know if i'll score, or pass, the papers.
I mean, revising and studying don't mean a confirmed pass.
Well, at least for me, this is how things work.
No matter what, i just hope tmr will ~~fly~~ZOOM past without me noticing.

Let's say if we were to plot our everyday mood down onto a graph.
My graph for these few days would be a linear graph, with negative gradient.
Well, it hasn't reached the bottom yet, and i definitely had 'sadder' and lower moments in life than this.
But still, it stinks to see the graph going down, down and down.
Another thing, my mood fluctuates quite alot recently. I don't know. :l
This moment, i can be feeling hyper, and full of joy, bursting with unknown energy. The next moment, you can see me dying, feeling down, and a little sad.
Oh well, i think i am mad.

There's school tmr. ):
And i'm d r e a d i n g the tests (although i very much wanna get over and done with them.)
I hate it when my sad feeling hits me when i'm in school. And i mean it.
Owells, thank goodness for my girls in class, who makes class/school endurable and slightly more enjoyable. (:

Labels: i'm still sad, papercuts

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008;

♥ 1/29/2008 06:16:00 AM

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Sunday, January 27, 2008;

♥ 1/27/2008 12:15:00 AM

But then you went and change the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with 'used-to-bes'
And once upon a song>>

Fd training in the morning was productive! (:
All the efforts, sweat, confusion and memorizing of steps are proven to be worthy, i am sure. (:
They really did pay off, after seeing the squad do a whole complete formation.
Yet even though we can see the finishing line, the trophy, and the end. It struck me that we're still nowhere near completion.
How demoralising this might sound. I still believe we can all pull it thru.
YOs, NCOs, cadets, squadmates, VIs, ex-seniors.
Like how the song goes: ".. we're all in this together.."

Replies:
lefty>the question i asked during chem lecture. You sure you want me to mention it out here? Haha!
yh sir>SIR! you've turn so dark now! TSK. I hope you're enjoying your army life, serving the nation, right now! (:

I'm losing my sanity, bit by bit.

Labels: Fd comp

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Saturday, January 26, 2008;

♥ 1/26/2008 06:44:00 AM

I swore i knew the melody
That i heard you singing
And when you smiled, you made me feel
Like i could sing along>>

I got home only at 8plus, from redcross. And i'm not exactly complaining. (:
It's always the joy and familiarity that touched deep down into my heart, when i stepped into the beloved Fairfield, and joining dearest FMSSRCY for training.
The long awaited fd comp camp is on fri.
OH JOY. :D

Anyways, afew of us acted like aunties in school today. (: Over the vending machine.
And my bottle now stink from the disgusting zappel! ): Like how aaron's and cal's stink from the cheeennna water.
UGH.

Replies to tags:
lefty>hello. (: youve yet to answer my question truthfully leh! TSK.
esther maam> you'll do well! :D Really. I can predict the future. =p
myra>but i'm tooo fat for those sinful stuff! but thanks anyways. (: i'm missing yall alr.
pong>-hi five! WHEE.
xuelian>but it's so unproductive! ): and eh! you not spring cleaning okay. haha.
pamela>haha. hokay!

So near yet so far.
It's a wonder how being i can be so close and near to you, and im actually feeling drifted and faraway from you.

By the way, TGIF.

Labels: fd comp training, so near yet so far

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Friday, January 25, 2008;

♥ 1/25/2008 02:14:00 AM

I was blown away
What could i say
It all start to make sense>>

For the past few consecutive days, i've been reaching home way before 6pm.
I wanted so much to just sit down at my desk, and start on my assignments, or simply just reading thru notes, etc. That's what my inner self wanted to do.
But heck, my physical being so dont agree. I came home, get a Magnum from the fridge (mind you, i ate that for 4 consecutive days! I'M SO FATTTTT.) After which, i switched on the com, and refused to budge til it's time for dinner.
My, my. I hate it when my physical being starts being rebellious.
ASSHOLE.

Bioogy practical's fun today! (:
All those 'sago seeds', 'Yuppi gummy worms', and 'sperms'. Haha! :D
Potato extract + alginate in calcium chloride solution work wonders. (:
Oh, and miss loh can be so cute at times!

GOOD LUCK TO THOSE RECEIVING O LEVEL RESULTS TODAY! :D

You look my way.
I fake a smile, so you wont see.
As much as i want you to understand me, as much as i want you to be aware of these feelings.
I know that somethings are better left undone, and somethings need 'Courage'.
When i'm finally willing to take the risk, when i finally muster up my courage.
Maybe that's when i spill the beans.
But for now, just let me keep my sanity.

Labels: So near, yet so far

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Thursday, January 24, 2008;

♥ 1/24/2008 01:13:00 AM

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when i'm with you
I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to
But everytime i call you don't have time
I guess i'll never get to call you mine >>

Spring cleaning's okay. 'Cos you get to throw away junk that you've accumulate over the course of last year. You get to clear your table full of rubbish, and you finally get to see your table top. You threw away everything that means little/nothing to you, even things that bring back bad memories. Those stuff, you chunked them into a big garbage bag, and off they go into the rubbish chute. (:
There, you'll feel so accomplished lookin at your 'oh-so-neat' table/shelves/drawer/whatever.
BUT SPRING CLEANING IN SCHOOL IS SO LAME!

Goodness, i think we only spent the five 10mintues cleaning the windows and whiteboards, before stuffing ourselves with the drinks and putting the classroom's temp at negative 100000 degrees with all the lame joke. Haha!
Stayed back with bp ky des benj, cracking our brains over silly IQ games. :D
"Is this straight? Straight? Okay, is this straight? Straight anot?!"
Haha!

I tell you, the truth hit my face, like a hard slap.
My heart falls to the ground with a loud 'thud'.
Yes, i know truth hurts. But little did i know, it hurts this much.
I never knew that stories with ending, no beginnings hurt so much. I never knew letting go of smth, which doesnt even belong to you in the first place, hurts. I never knew that having smth brush across your hand, and when you failed to grab it, your whole heart will go 'crash'.
And i never, ever learn my lesson.

[edit]
I know, i know. The truth will stay, and the fact will remain.
This is the situation i've given, and ive absolutely no other choices than to stick with it.
But the sub-conscious me, still drift in and out of my 'made-believe' world.
And yknow what? This inflicts more hurt. Cos i taste the feeling of dropping down from hell to 'hell-er' every say, 5-10mins?
This sucks.
[/edited]

Labels: Spring cleaning, when truth hurts

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008;

♥ 1/23/2008 06:35:00 AM

Please dont turn your back
I cant believe
It's hard just to talk to you
But you dont understand>>

Changed my blogskin! (:
And i think it's so pretty. :D
Dont you think so?

Mm, i've been trying. Hard.
To be happy, and joyful. To be full of smiles, and appear as though my life is bursting with joy and fun, laughter and peace.
Really, i've been trying hard.
What y'know what hurts you the most?
It's when reality slaps you back, hard across the face. And you feel as though youve been pulled away from your make-believe world, into this cruel world of reality. ):
No, i can deny that i've friends around me. In fact, i have few of the bestest classmates you can ever have. They always seem to be so fun to hang around with, and i love their company! I've friends, whom i look forward to seeing, and saying hi/bye to, when walking to/fro classes.
But the thing is, isit all just superficial?

In the midst of forging all these new friendships, learning to get to know more people, and just living day by day, friendships which i really treasure seem to slip through my hands.
And i tell you, it really sucks. ):
I can no longer think of names whom i can really call and talk to, whom i wanna hang around with 24/7 without feeling bored, who is able to understand me so well when i didnt even breathe a word.
I mean, what's wrong? ): I used to have really close friends. And sometimes, they even understand me better than i do, myself.
Is it true, that everything's changing and moving and a too fast speed, which i simply cannot catch up?
Or is it just me? Who's still stubborn, refusing to move an inch away from the starting point?

Now, even talking alone seems like a chore and an impossible task. Let alone say, hang around tgt. ):

Labels: why is everything changing? ):

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008;

♥ 1/22/2008 01:50:00 AM

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til i'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home

It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Labels: Big girls dont cry

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Friday, January 18, 2008;

♥ 1/18/2008 12:20:00 AM

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away>>

Got this from someone, and i find it somewhat, amusing.
Read it! :D

Gp was fun today! We all go so overwhelmed with rebuttals and arguements over the discussion topic - 'Pro-life and Pro-choice'. :D
&the seats in the school are dominated by the J1s. ): <
&&today, during cultural studies, it was the first time i feel that the aircon in lt1 are working. (like finally)
&&&one and a half hour of maths lecture really kill people.

Chem organic revision test tmr.
Let me teach you the feeling of d r e a d. ):

And im not feeling any better. But oh wells, ..
Bye!

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008;

♥ 1/16/2008 01:11:00 AM

This time was different
Felt like, I was just a victim
And it cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I'm, in this condition
And I've, got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you'll never see me cry

Kind of addicted to this song currently.
I wish i could kick, punch, box, whack, illtreat, pat, stroke, kiss, hug, pamper my MSN. So that it would revive, and allows me to go online for chats! ):
Or if not, just survive long enough to allow me to go online, appear online, and receive SONGS from my friends.
Yes, you heard it right. My world of songs seems so irritatingly out-dated.
Boohoo.

Pc today was rather slack. Im happy 'cos pc is slack! Yay.
Im sad 'cos pc is slack. Boohoo.
Mixed emotions. Haha! I wished pc was tough, so im able to shed off those 100kg of fats, that are all accumulated at my thighs, my upper arms, and my tummy. ): They're all wobbling gleefully everytime i make a movement.
How horrid!
But im happy, cos pc was tough! :D
Haha, shit. Let me go for an operation, and have all my fats suck out of my fatty bombom body.

Went for cousin's (michelle) chalet cum bday celebration on 12/1! :D
My cousin (kahhern) and bro and mum and grandmum and myself sat at the back of my uncle's pick-up. Hahaha. I absolutely love it when he speeds across expressway. :D WHOOSH! Now i know how the air particles feel, when a wind comes blowing at them. :D
It's awesome. (: So awesome that my hair gets all awesomely tangled up too. =l
The chalet's quite fun! I LEARNT MAHJONG! And dang, im addicted to it. Now i cant wait for CNY, so i can lay my hands on those tiles. :D No, no! I dont gamble, hokay! (:
Spent the night BBQ-ing. I absolutely love my whole extended family! :D And my cousins too! Esp kahhern and michelle. We grew up together, and we're as close as anyone can be. (: So clsoe that we always fall ill at the same time.
I rmbr once, michelle fractured her leg, after a period of time, kahhern broke his too. So he borrowed crutches from her. Then afew weeks later, i torn my ankle ligament, and need to borrow crutches from her too.
Come to think of it, it's pretty cute huh? (:

Anyways! It's 15/1. Happy bday my beloved bestestestest (x infinite) lovely cousin, MICHELLE CHUA.
And not forgetting the guy whom ive worked tgt with in the exco, DODO1 (BRANDON TAN)!

I wish my sixth sense doesnt exist. Then i wouldnt be able to guess so many things. Things which would make me fupset. ):
I wish a shrug is all it'll take. Then i would be able to shrug it off like a pest, and it wont bother me ever again.
I wish 'done' is always as easy and simple as 'said'. Then with a snap of fingers, i wont find myself sitting in this mess, emoing and being sad. ):
Goodness gracious, everytime y'all see me laughing and being high/happy. Im not necessary happy. Im just praying that a laugh and smile, and act would be able to make me feel whole lot better.
So no, im not showing how i feel inside. Im just wishing that how i act on the outside, would influence and change how i feel on the inside.
Do you get it?

but no matter what you'll never see me cry;

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Saturday, January 12, 2008;

♥ 1/12/2008 05:45:00 AM

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go
Nice and slow, to no place in particular>>

Heaven-o! TGIF :D :D :D
It's cousin's 21st birthday celebration tmr, staying over at her chalet over the weekends. (:

The main highlight of the week was thursday! Bryan chuang's 18th birthday. :D
Almost the whole class pretended not to know that it's his birthday. We din wish him happy birthday nor shake his hand.
The last period, biology practical, a 'show' was being put up. =p We pretended that we just got to know bout his birthday. So we rushed through a birthday song, before leaving the lab. Then we started leaving school for jp in batches, so as to not arouse his suspicious. We went Polar to get a small slice o cake, before heading to Pizza Hut and book a table for 14. Xuelian's group came, followed by Kokyao's. At this time, we were all arranging with the staff at PH how to go about playing the birthday song and all. And at the very moment, the birthday boy was 'shopping' around jp with huifang.
When things at PH are settled and planned properly, huifang then led bryan to PH. And the moment he stepped in, the lights went dimmed and all of us sang the birthday song!
AWH! :D
No no! The surprise din just end there! We then present him a card, by all of us, saying that we din have the time to buy a gift since maths test is on fri, and etc.
So we had our pretty, pretty late lunch. When we're done with the food, we surprised him again with a gift! :D He was surprised further to find the gift wrapped up in millions, and millions layers of newspaper. =p
PH staff were friendly and nice too! They gave bryan a gift! :D

Haha. A simple celebration, a simple meal. But it's really heartwarming! :D Really, really.
My classmates are one of the best batch to hang around with! (:

The birthday uncle. :D

Unwrapping his gifts. =p

His gifts! (Billabong pencil case + cross pendant + PH's gift)

"Eh bryan! Arent you glad to have friends/classmates like us? Esp Huili Ivan Ruiping Aaron and I, we struggled against the heavy rain to get you the gift leh! (Esp aaron without umbrella) Hahaha! I hope you enjoy this 18th birthday celebration we had planned for you. :D And yeah, Mr Nice Man. Stay this nice always! (:"

Went back fairfield for training today. We had 6 adorable sec1 recruits joining us for the first training, which isnt bad (compared to last yr). Haha, let's just hope more will join us in the weeks to come! (:
Ad oh ya! Ms tai can be super adorable sometimes. :D

I thought i got myself out of this tangled mess already. I thought it's long over. And i thought i would never, ever be bothered bout it again. ):
But how sad, i was ~~kind of~~ wrong. =l
I realised, no matter how far i tried to keep the distance, when i come to know of 'something', my mood just go on a rollarcoaster ride with everything i see or hear. And my emotions would take on a 360 dive, deep down into the ocean. ):
I feel as if im all the way back into square one -AGAIN.
This feeling isnt good.
BOOHOO.

I love PC.
But muscle aches are killers. )':

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008;

♥ 1/09/2008 05:49:00 AM

See it don’t take a rocket scientist to know I love you
And it don’t take a rocket scientist to know I need you
See if you believe that you and me
Can change the world some day
Then you believe me when I say
I still love you>>

Hellooo! :D
Mm, i dont exactly have much to blog about. =X
Let's see, school's behaving in its usual horrendous way. I really dread waking up at 5plus, just to go to school. ): Seriously! I even couldnt believe that i managed to wake up this early for school for the past decade of my life. Goodness gracious. =X
And i haven finish. I really dread going to school. ): Not that i hate studying (i mean, i actually enjoying studying. Provided no one gives me unnecessary stress. ), neither do i hate my classmates (in fact, girlfriends like beeping huiyee huili ruiping makes going school slightly more enjoyable. :D). Its just that i cant eliminate the dread feeling inside of me everytime i wake up for school. =l SIGH.
I wish i could rewind time.
Then i would rewind it all the way back to when i was just a kid. No troubles, no problems. My only concern and worry will be what will happen if i dont watch my cartoon on tv, or when will my next candy ever come to me.
Or if i cant, then i would fastfoward time.
To the time when i graduate from school. Mm, no wait. Then, there'll still be some forms of education waiting to torture me. Maybe, to the time when i promote completely out of the education system and step into the working system. =l Let's see, stress and everything else comes in here huh. Ha! Why not, let me just fastforward the time to the period where i would be sleeping happily in my own coffin. (:
Nah. Maybe not, again.

We're humans. And humans are just liddat, huh? We will never, (or fine. If you want to 'save face') most of the time, complain at the things and events we have at hand. Yet, regretting not being able to treasure the past things and events while it lasted. And at the same time, wishing we could all teleport to the future.
Just like how, we always regret yesterdays, complain todays, and wish for tomorrows.
TSK.

Oh right. I wouldnt say my current life is depressing or whatsoever. But i wouldnt say it's good, happy, and whatsoever too.
It's stuck, somewhere in the middle. Which i feel, isnt exaclty a good thing. Cos if your life were to be like mine. Stuck in the middle of nowhere. You really dont have an idea whether should you be happy, or be sad.
So yeah, im feeling feeling-less recently. Cos im kind of confused as to, how am i supposed to feel. Which explains why i do have extreme mood swings. I may be smiling, grinning like a retarded fool this sec. Yet, the next sec, you see me stoning, with this tiny glum on my face. =l
Mm, give me a moment. While i go out there, in search for wenfang's mood.

On a random note, i'm freaking out for As actually.(for those who know me, not a single exam (minor/major) so far, actually has an afffect on how i feel, like weeks, months ago. But As is! Which i dont know if it's a good thing or not. =X )

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.

Sunday, January 06, 2008;

♥ 1/06/2008 08:04:00 PM

I wanna keep your toothbrush at my apartment
Make a second set of keys and ask you to move in
Im not crazy
I know what im getting myself in
I wanna live with you
If thats okay with you

My first post of the year. (:
Alrights, i've been hestistating whether anot should i even bother blogging. There really isnt much happening in my life now, considering that most impt cause is that ~~darn~~ school has reopen. And my freedom is being snatched away from me. =l

Anyways! I have yet to mentioned my stay in the Fairmont Hotel last dec! :D I tell you, it was soooo awesomely awesome. xD
Haha, let's just talk bout the hotel room itself. It's just amazing. Really! Hahaha, we got the 18th storey, and the view just took my breathe away. My goodness! The toilet was superb, totally. When you fill the bathtub up with the runing bath water, the water is actually crystal clear blue.
No, i tell you. It was really awesome! And what else can i say?
I TOTALLY LOVE SINGAPORE HOTEL. :D

After the stay in hotel, it was the great hoo-ha of the countdown to this new year, and not being able to attend any countdowns outside with my friends, cos my family's celebrating my daddy's bday. Owell, sometimes, family does goes first. (:

Mm, after a month plus, no, close to two months, of not stepping into jj. The whole environment became so unfamiliar. Really! Thank goodness i have the fairfield table to sit at, and the fairfield people to sit with the moment i stepped into school. It's really awful. I feel as though im another j1, attending the orientation. =X
But okay lah, things get slightly better when i join my few classmates and so. But of cos, nothing beats the fact if im in my yellow and blue, with tie, stepping into the front gate of fairfield. (:
But well, i'll just have to stick with it, no matter what.
Like i have a choice, la. =l

But i sure did stepping into fairfield ytd, cca orientation. :D
I rushed home to iron my redcross uniform, before rushing down to fairfield. Everything's in a mess, nothing seems to be settled yet. Well, it sure was dissappointing, to see how the ncos manage the tasks they have at hand, but thank goodness, things started to look awhole better after awhile. (:
An accident which got me really pissed off took place. And i swear, i would have just curse my head off if i wasnt in my redcross uniform. ): <
Soon, the ambulance came, with the same uncle! :D Oh joy! Hahaha, the sec1s and the cadets sure did have fun fiddling the ambulance stretcher i must say. (:
But the night ended really young and early, which im actually quite glad for. Another moment in courtshoes, equals me killing my feet. :D

Mm, i haven officially came up with any new year resolutions. And im not sure if i'll do so, these few days. I mean, sure it does make me have certain tasks at hand, or in mind, which i need to complete and achieved by the end of yr 2008. But somehow, it kept weighing me down. Like, there's smth always bugging me, and it wont stop until i finished them. So, i dont think i'll come up with any at this moment. But i believe, in the process resolutions would soon be made up in my mind. (:
Like here's one!
STUDY HARD FOR A LEVELS, AND SCORE WELL FOR IT. :D

&maybe things will be fine after awhile.